THIS IS MY 200th POST WOO HOO lol... OK on to the real reason for this post :)
I had a bit of an eye opening hour or so this morning... I dont know why or how but, usually I can not relax myself long enough to think about anything without my mind wandering everywhere else... I put on my favorite relaxing cd (natural sleep) and just layed here on my bed, and concentrated on my breathing, and listened to the rain fall... I dont know what really happened but I cleared my mind and the things I *should* focus on just started to pop into my head and as I was done figuring one thing the next came to sight...
Here are a few things I worked on and thought through...
I have very low self esteem, VERY LOW, I cant take compliments well at all Dave gets so angry at me when he tells me I am pretty and I just grumble at him and tell him to put on his glasses etc... (you get the picture) I need to start thinking more positively about myself, I need to quit setting my own standards so high as to what *I* think I should look like, after all I am me and I am really unique, crazy, silly, wild, creative, tom boyish ME! There are other aspects that have contributed to my esteem that I need to come to terms with also, and realize and know that it was just "talk" and didnt mean a thing, but Baby Steps. :)
The 2nd thing is that I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, so I am going to stop trying. I am ALWAYS seeking approval for things from people, when I should know that its never gonna happen. I make my family happy and that is all that matters everyone else can go and jump through their own hoops because I am no longer the circus dog. But this too will have to be done in baby steps I feel so badly when telling people no, or not listening to what others tell me I *should / need* to do.
Next is my weight, which I believe has to do with my esteem also, when I get upset, sad, scared about thigs I eat, its not always unhealthy foods its just quantity, I *KNOW* I am doing this but its kind of like you know you shouldnt but you do anyways kind of thing... I did years ago speak to someone about this and its called "compulsive overeating disorder" I NEED to get my mind set in a weight loss program, normal day to day activity isnt enough and eating properly helps too. I did last year start on weight watchers and lost almost 20 pounds but we had some deaths in the family and stuff that was really stressful on all of us and I gained that 20 back and now I have another 10 added on that :( I need to get and stay focused, and take some time for myself. The world will not end if supper isnt on the table at the same exact time every day, life wont stop if I take an hour or so for my during the day. Once I feel better i am going to go on my walks regularly, and once school is out the kids and I may be taking daily walks, of course weather permitting and if its too hot or humid I am not going. I may start my pilates I bought me a set to work out with and its still in the box. This is something I NEED to do for myself, I want to be healthier and look better too.
Next, I am talented, I normally dont say that about myself but hey within the last 11 years I have learned to tat, beading, various paper crafts, taught myself computers, web design, html coding, I make some graphics and things like that, I can design alot of things, I dye thread which I never ever would have thought I could have done something like that. I found the one true thing I love and that is photography, my dad always took pictures and I loved it, and hubby bought me a camera and made me love it even more once I could take as many as I wanted without spending tons of money on film. There is a wide range of things I can do. And i can write some pretty good poems, I had always wanted to do this and Dave told me to just try it, I have alot I have written i may share some someday, on here :)
Next, I believe I am a good wife & mother... I can cook like a mad woman, my mom taught me to take care of your husband and I do that, I am not bragging on myself but more and more as I see things and other couples I think I am a darn good wife, I make sure meals are ready for hubby and kids, and its usually 99% of the time GOOD I do have bad days and sometimes they are picky LOL I am always baking goodies. I love the holiday cooking but we dont have any more get togethers at my house for meals so that kind of kills my huge meal planning but I still do it!! I get my husband up for work EVERY DAY since we moved in together, I spoiled him from the start :) I make his breakfast and lunch for him, I do all the work and dont ask that much of him allthough I probably should then he would see why I am completely exhausted some days. LOL I take care of my children the best I can, after all they *DONT* come with instruction manuals, it would help though lol... I am no longer listening to those who tell me I am a "BAD" mother for doing / not doing certain things with / for my kids. They are my children I do what I see fit. I may not give them things or I may give them too much but they are happy healthy and loved unconditionally... Last night they both told me they are glad I am their crazy mommy. I nearly teared up. It also makes me laugh those who *DONT* have children are always the "experts" and think its soooo super easy, in my opinion those who do this should be put in a room with several children who have just each eaten 1 pound of sugar :) for about 6 hours HA HA!! they they will see its not as easy as they "think" it is.
And lastly, I am going to try to not so much as eliminate but associate less with those "toxic" people we all have in our lives. You know like the ones who need to be center of attention, are always worse off than everyone else, know it alls, judgemental people, drama creators, etc... that is a killer for anyone, it makes me crazy, yes I do have my own moments of drama we all do.
My goals are simple...
WORK ON MYSELF!!! plain and simple I need to worry about *me* more and others less. and of course TAT more :)
Allright now that ya all are probably bored senseless I am gonna go for now and work on some tatting for today.